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Dear Goddess!

The following are some of the more interesting questions that I have received from you about Tantra and sexuality and relationships. I will be constantly adding to this page as more great stuff comes in. If you have any questions, please feel free to write me and I will answer you personally, and maybe post it here, anonymously, of course.

Write your question...

Can One Find Enlightenment through Relationship?

Dear Goddess:

I have been trying to tackle an issue for quite some time now. I am involved in a beautiful relationship. My being pounds fiercely with love when even an image of her flashes in my mind’s eye. We have every intention of marriage. At the same time, calling even more powerfully, profoundly, is Shakti. Hers is a call I will not ignore.

When the Kundalini energy awakened within me, and began clearing the blocks in my sex chakra, I experienced such a huge increase in sexual desire. My knowledge of kundalini was minimal, and me and my partner enjoyed ourselves. Now, thanks to all the posts steeped in wisdom, and reading (I’ve just finished Autobiography of a Yogi, excellent!!!), and introspection, I now know that sexual energy is a driving force behind Kundalini energy and it’s trip up to the higher chakras. Sex to climax diverts the Shakti down towards physical pleasure. It is wasteful to one attempting to speed his spiritual evolution.

But recently, the urge to know Self and raise K has grown11-fold. It is the guide in front and the demon in back. It leads me with flawless wisdom. I find now that I’m considering not getting married more and more. Not for any illusory "fault" in my girlfriend. She is centered in the material, and I love her dearly. A healthy, sexual relationship is very important to her and I want her to be happy and fulfilled. Sometimes I think that the married life would distract me from the goal of Self-realization that I so deeply yearn for.

It pains me greatly to think of her in anguish. Our love has reached mountainous peaks. She is the warm mother who holds my head in her lap and soothes me when Kundalini is raging free. I don’t want to let her go, because she said she "couldn’t bear it to speak with me" if I ever left her. I’ll cherish her forever, but now I want to know All in the lap of Cosmic Consciousness.

Is she just another "attachment"?? Even in such love that we share? Am I crazy for even thinking about throwing her to the wind? (I just hope the wind catches her and sets her someplace safe). Your advice is appreciated.
Thanks,
A

Response:

It is a mistake to interpret your readings to infer that sexual activity with your Beloved is to be frowned upon. In fact, it is one of the fastest, easiest ways to raise your frequency to help remember who you are. We are a wholistic mechanism, with integration of all our parts and Chakra's necessary to our wholeness and full expression of the divine in physical form.

There are many forms of teachings in Tantra. Some advise a celibate path, and others, embrace the opposite sex as an essential ingredient to enlightenment. You must trust what you inside feel called to explore. I suggest that with this love that you share, that you path might be better served continuing your exploration with your lover, rather than without. As regards attachment, it sounds like you are on the right track, choosing to honor your lover’s well being over your own desire. However, in this case I think you would both be best served to explore enlightenment through your union, including sexual connections.

When we speak of non-attachment, what is recommended is that the highest good for both parties is what is important. If your pattern of relating conflicts with either of your highest good, then we suggest that you first look to yourself to see what patterns in you need adjustment or change. Once that is complete, either your partner will vibrate in harmony with the change or leave.

Many of the writers you have encountered focus more on the development of the upper Chakras. Interestingly enough, I have found a plethora of beings at this time who have beautifully developed upper Chakras, but are who are in denial and in varying degrees of rejection of their lower Chakras. They don't realize what they are missing. To deny any part of yourself, is to create dis-ease! Source created all that we are, and all parts of what we are – are to be honored and work together integrally. Tantra teaches us to fully integrate our spiritual (upper Chakras) and physical being (lower Chakras) to maximize our potential in this third dimensional experience. We are spirit in the body. We need to learn how to really understand and use the potential of these bodies to optimize the gifts the physical has to offer.

What they also refer to is the being conscious about what the bible terms, "spilling of the seed." Know that orgasm and ejaculation are two separate processes. In this society we just think they are the same. The Tantric Masters use ejaculation consciously for "procreating," not only babies, but also for dreams/goals/intent - aiming their life force energy at their dream vision or to a specific place in their physical or energy bodies. This is called sex magick. Orgasm and full-body orgasm are a delight that helps you connect with the divine, alone or with a partner.

Have glorious, divine fun with your lover so that together you can experience high, sacred Tantric union..

Blue Balls?

Dear Goddess,

I was reading your Q&A section at the Trantra site and came across your reference to "blue balls" in relation to energy blockage. I am assuming you are refering to the male testicleswith this expression. What I'd like to know is if blue balls have an actual visual recognition about them ??? Are they blue, or what ever ???

The reason I ask is that for as long as I can remember my testicles, or more acurately; my scrotum has a very darkishcolor, especially when contracted. I'm 43 now, olive skinned, and have nude sun bathed on and off most of my life, which I have always thought to be the reason for this darkish coloration. Since I haven't ever really paid attention to other men's balls I've never known that mine appear any different. Well, until I met one lady who made a point of it and seemed quite curious over it. She said all the men she has known have pinkish scrotums. News to me !!!

So, I was wondering if could you clarify this for me to some degree. I'd really appreciate knowing more about it if you know something about it. Thanks. And my balls thank you.

Sincerly looking forward to your regardful reply.

Aloha,
P.

Response:

With your coloration, a darker scrotum is perfectly normal.

Blue Balls refers to a state of physical discomfort in which arousal and focused energy remains in the testicles without ejaculation or spreading the energy to other parts of the body.

Exploring Tickling

Dear Goddess:

I don't know if you can answer this question or not. I am a 27 yr old heterosexual male who is into bondage and being tickled unmercifully. My partner is not overly excited about trying this. Any suggestions? It is a fantasy I want to live out soon!

Thanks!
LW



Response:

If this is a "must do" fantasy, my suggestion to you is that you locate a professional Dominitrix for a session. If it is possible, it would be preferable to discuss this with your partner and make some agreements around this. Even better, if possible, include your partner as a voyeur in the session so that she gets a taste of what it is you are wanting - to see if it opens more communication, exploration, and adventure in your relationship.

Good luck.

Contraception

Dear Goddess:

I am at the moment concerned with contraception. I was considering having an injection of Depo Provera, but the side effects are less than pleasing. Especially the one that it may cause infertility later in life. I eventually want to have children so that is definitely not an option for me. I have read up on the drug on the internet but
of course it does not mention that as a possible side effect.

I am 28 years of age and have been taking the Pill for close to 10 years now. Unfortunately I missed taking some and ended up pregnant. For many reasons, my partner and I decided that we should have it terminated. I was told that with this procedure there is no chance of not being fertile afterwards. I have since taken the Pill even less than regularly and stopped it all together. For now we are using a barrier method, condoms. Since stopping the pill my periods have still been regular, no complications.

I am at a loss as to a reliable method as there are many complications and side effects with so many available means. For example, the IUD, my mother ended up having to have hers surgically removed.

Another consideration for me is a history of Depression, which is secondary to my Anxiety Disorder. I have panic attacks from time to time and sometimes can't leave the house. I have a very low stress tolerance. At this stage I have been off work for just over a year on extended leave. So financially and health wise I am not very
well. My physical health is allright, if not for the fact that I am a tad overweight for my height. Oh and I also smoke, I realise that is not good when you're on a hormonal contraceptive such as the pill as it can be related to heart problems.

If you have any questions about me, don't hesitate to ask. I do want to do the right thing by myself, my health and my partner and his health.

I hope you can help me out or point me in the right direction. I thank you for your time in reading this and I consider it a pleasure to meet you and write to you

Yours Sincerely
S


Response:

I agree, the current contraceptive choices available are terrible! I have been searching this one myself for years.

My favorite option is men with vasectomies. Otherwise, the means that I like the best is a product called "Erogel." It is a personal lubricant that is water soluable and will not adversely affect condoms. It works not only as a spermicide, but also helps prevent the transmission of STD's (sexually transmitted diseases). I am normally highly sensitive to most spermicides. They use a chemical called non-oxidol 9, which is a small molecule that somehow irritates my sensitive vaginal tissue and makes me burn like hell! This product has non-oxidol 15, which is a larger molecule that hasn't given me any irritation, even after repeated use. It can be obtained via the internet at www.doctorg.com. And no bad taste! Mention that I sent you!

I use it with a diaphragm.

My other favorite was the contraceptive sponge barrier. I loved it! Except they used the non-oxidol 9 spermacide in it and after a few uses, my vagina became horribly enflamed. If you are not overly sensitive, this is a great way to go. The sponge doesn’t interfere with your partner and it is fairly effective.

Good luck! Keep me posted on your progress.



Dear Goddess:

I have never tried spermicidal gels, etc. But I do have a problem with sensitivity. Sometimes condoms make me itch and some lubricants, well they burn at times. It would be so much simpler if my partner could have a vasectomy, but since we want children later on, it's not really an option.

As for Diaphragms, I have thought of them. Don't you have to put a spermicide on them when you insert them? You can't keep them in for any extended amount of time after sex can you?

Also, have you heard any bad reports or otherwise on Depo-Provera? It looks like the best choice for me personally at this stage. I worry about the fertility factor afterward. I have heard it may take some time afterwards to conceive, up to 18 months. But then I've heard it may affect you for good. It just depends on what the drug companies will have you believe I guess.

Thanks again for your time

Sincerely
S

Response:


Dear S:

I have a basic distrust of Depo-Provera and the pill, etc. I currently am fighting with the devastating symptoms of estrogen/progesterone imbalance. Read the book, "What your Doctor Never Told You About Menopause"by Dr. Lee. It discusses the problems that hormonal imbalance can raise. At the very least, if I decided to use something like that, I would get my hormonal levels checked periodically, both around my period time, and non-period time.

I too, have had problems with spermicides, as I said, but the one I recommended does not seem to irritate me and is an STD preventative because the molecule is larger... It is the only one I use and worth a try. Yes, I would recommend this spermacide with the diaphragm. You are supposed to wear the diapragm for 8 hours post-coitus, if there is an ejaculation. I have also found I like to use it to manage the flow of blood during my period, with a small pad, rather than a tampon. This way, if you cannot obtain unbleached tampons, this is a great way to avoid toxic shock syndrome. Except for the use of condoms, I prefer, no matter what I use, to ask my partner to withdraw at the time of ejaculation to minimize risk.

If your partner is willing to learn the Tantric Technique of ejaculatory mastery, he can learn how to have full body and mulitple orgasms, without ejaculating. Many of the Tantric men I know and have trained acutally prefer to ejaculate less often as their experiences in orgasm become far superior, and they can make love longer with in creased energy and vitality. We all know when a man ejaculates, it's over for a while.

Sex Is Gross - Can I Change Her Mind?


Dear Goddess:

I have been going out with the same girl for about two and a half years now. The other day she told me that she found sex kind of disgusting sometimes. I mean everything. Kissing, oral, and intercourse. She does participate sometimes in sex. But I really don't know if she is telling me the truth and enjoying it.

I'm just trying to figure out if there is anyway to change her mind about sex without being totally rude about it.

M

Response:

Dear M:

This is not unusual. Many women go through moments and periods where we feel that way sometimes... Usually, it is because our hearts and minds are not aligned with bliss. Tantra offers a window into experiencing a higher form of sexuality that includes spirit and/or energy, that helps one to feel the "good clean fun" aspect of loving sexuality, raising the mood or vibration of the experience to one of innocence and feeling good.

The first thing to determine is if she feels this way all the time or on occasion. Next, find out what her thoughts are when she is feeling turned off and explore them to see if they are true or not. Perhaps she just isn't in the mood at those times. Or she may have some programming from Church or family that impedes her ability to let go and just have fun. If she desires to go deeper into exploring this, she may find that she is operating from ideas that aren't even true - or anything she even really agrees with! The key is becoming conscious and listening to our thoughts to see what they tell us about what we think, believe and feel about ourselves, then evaluating whether these thoughts are ones we want to keep or change.

You cannot make her do anything. This exploration would have to be something she is interested and willing to look at. If she is not, and your sex life is demonstrably affected, you may want to re-evaluate the course of the relationship.

Why Can't I Cum?

Dear Goddess,

I have a sexual problem and have asked many experts, and I have yet to find the answers/help I am looking for. The problem is that I cannot achieve an orgasm with a partner. I am a 25 year old female, and have been sexually active since I was a teenager. I haven't always had this problem. It has been going on for about 3 years. I don't have a problem making myself orgasm, but I can't with anyone else. And it is not for lack of trying on their part or my own. I am wondering if I have a mental block or something that is not allowing me to enjoy sex to the fullest. I know it is not a physical problem. I have read many books on the subject of orgasms but I have not found my problem addressed in any of the books I've read. I don't know if it is a problem for others but I have never heard of it affecting anyone else.

I hope that with your knowledge you may be able to help me, or maybe point me in the right direction. As you could imagine, this is a problem that affects me
greatly, and any assistance or advice would be greatly appreciated. I look forward to your response.

Sincerely,
M

Response:

I am not sure if this is a problem that can be solved via email only. This issue would take some delving into your history more than this email would allow. It can be emotional or physical - or emotionally based that has manifested in the physical as shutting down in your vaginal or sexual responsiveness. It could have to do with trauma or trust issues or just too much stress and not enough sex. It could be that your lovers are not properly trained! There are myriad reasons. The key is relaxation and learning to let go and feel yourself from the inside out more deeply. Then it takes being with a patient, loving partner, who is willing to take things slowly, one step at a time.

The first step I would recommend is to see a physician to determine if there is any physical reason for this. As to the other reason, this is the sort of issue that most likely would require a few therapy visits to unearth the cause and facilitate you towards healing. If you have a partner, it might be as simple as attending a Tantra workshop and practicing some of the techniques such as G-area massage or it could be more involved. Yoga and dance can also be helpful in opening the body to more energy flow.

I hope this offers you a beginning.



GODDESS WORSHIP

Hello Goddess Shama,

I am a 39 year old woman who has only been involved in this lifestyle for a little less than a year. I am the Goddess and my husband is my devotee. We have been exploring the Goddess worship ceremony for a month now. As my devotee, I expect my husband to do just that, worship me. He has no problems massaging or bathing me, or worshipping my feet, but I feel the ultimate respect a devotee could offer his Goddess is to worship the one area almost all of us women are unhappy with, the butt. Not only do I find it relaxing, but very pleasureful to be worshipped there. The problem is, when I desire it, he hesitates and mainly whines like a child before he breaks down and goes through with it. I was wondering if there was an appropriate penance or punishment that could or should be doled out in times like these. I feel as the Goddess, my desires should be met quickly, obediently and lovingly. So is there some act of discipline I should impose? Secondly, We have not attempted to reach the God within him yet. He says he doesn't feel Godly and is not ready and I am inclined to agree. What I was wondering is, is it OK or proper to invite another God over and have my devotee worship us both so as he can learn how a God should be? This is another are where any form of discipline would be appreciated as I am sure he would not want to learn this way. Not that he is insecure or anything, but I feel this would be the best way for him to learn. Any help you can offer would be greatly appreciated.
Lovingly, Goddess Metha


Response:

Dearest Goddess Metha:

Thank you for reaching out. Have you been in the Tantric Lifestyle or is it BDSM? It sounds like you are playing more of the latter - which is okay. In Tantric lovemaking, the worship of the Goddess is an opportunity to explore the fine art of pleasuring a woman with the Tantric attitude and approach of invoking and exploring the divinity of the Goddess, with reverence, deep honor and respect, as well as with fun, adventure and playfulness. In this type of scenario, the honoring, love and respect goes both ways. There is no assertion, forcing, or play that doesn't express a wholehearted gift of one to the other. Therefore, punnishment is not a part of this scenario.

If you are into BDSM, this is a different story. And this can be played with Tantric consciousness. Even so, it is an agreement between consenting adults for pleasure. If one party doesn't enjoy the experience, unless you have clear, specific pre-arranged agreements around this, then it is a violation of trust. However, if you do have such agreements, and punnishment is part of your "game," then....... make it playful and fun - you may not want to get into too much "negative energy."

As to HIS Divinity... I am sure you both know best what your relationship can handle. Whether to bring in another lover is not about proper or appropriate - if you use this as your yardstick, you may never get to explore anything new! If this feels right to the both of you, that is how to determine what you want to explore. Actually, it is more about mutual consent and loving support of one another. Without that, you could be causing problems difficult to repair.  It is also important to examine both of your motives as you move forward. Whatever you do, if it is not in support of a loving connection between the two of you and others, it could prove problematic. 

You are having your own, personal exploration. And there is no one way to do it right. I would recommend that you connect with others who have explored similar things to see how they have handled it... what they did right and what they did that didn't work - so that you don't have to re-invent the wheel. Go on the Internet. Since it sounds like your relationship is more BDSM than Tantric, check out some of those sites. Read some books on Polyamory and see what models best fit the type of relationships you are wanting to create. 

As you explore these new arenas, it is best to do some research first, become better informed and move through your own exploration with awareness, love, respect and honoring of one another in the process. A strong, clear primary relationship is what creates that strong foundation of safety so necessary to any type of exploratory play. Keep me posted on your progress! I am eager to hear how it goes.

 

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